"Brits Revoke U.S. Independence"
Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the
same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt
UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known
and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands
will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World
Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1%
of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.