Characters: Giles, Spike, Buffy
Summary: How does Giles get Spike into the bathtub anyway?
Timeline: Season 4, immediately after "Pangs".
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over these characters. I am merely borrowing them from Joss et al.
Distribution: My site, fire_fiction, the usual lists, anyone with previous permission. Anyone else - just ask.
Feedback: Yes please! It makes me happy and keeps me writing.
Thanks to kallie_kat and shannon730 for the speedy beta.
Author's Note: This was written for not_purrrfect who bid on me to write a funny Spike/Giles fic at fire_fic. This is (cross)posted with her permission.
"What am I supposed to do with him?" Giles asked. Buffy handed him another plate to dry.
She shrugged, picking up the next plate from the soapy water and began to wash it. "I don't know. We can't leave him loose," Buffy pointed out. "I don't care what he says, he's still a vampire. Vampires are notorious for lying."
"In case you haven't noticed," Giles began, "I don't exactly have a lot of spare room in my flat."
"Tell me about it," Buffy agreed. "It's no wonder we're not doing much physical training, what with the lack of space and all."
Giles looked stricken at her casual ribbing. He knew that she hadn't intended to rub his nose in his shortcomings as a Watcher.
Clearing his throat, Giles said, "Indeed."
Buffy looked up and noticed Giles' somber expression. "Hey, you know that I don't blame you for easing up on the training, right? I mean, what with college and having to keep up appearances and these soldiers, there really hasn't been time…"
Giles held up a hand to stop the flow of words. "I know that you didn't mean anything by it," he insisted.
"What about the bathroom?" Buffy said, seemingly apropos of nothing.
"I beg your pardon?" Giles sputtered, wondering what his loo had to do with their lack of training.
"Spike," Buffy elaborated. "We can chain him up in the bathroom."
"Oi!" came Spike's objection from the living room, where he was still tied to a chair, forcibly watching whatever holiday special was on the television. "You aren't tying me up in the sodding bath!"
"As much as I hate to agree with Spike," Giles said, "I do need the bathroom myself. Preferably with privacy."
"Right," Spike shouted. "I don't need to see 'im while he's taking care of business. Best to just leave me right here."
"We can't leave him tied to a chair," Buffy insisted.
"Why not?" Giles asked, rather liking the idea of leaving Spike where he was, given the alternative.
"For one thing, he could probably break free from the ropes," Buffy said. "He could…I don't know, find a way to break the chair and get free. Or he could accidentally stake himself when he breaks the wood chair."
"I'm still not seeing a problem with that scenario," Giles said.
"I would not accidentally stake myself," Spike interjected from the other room.
"We still need to get information out of him, Giles," Buffy pointed out. "We can't do that if he's a pile of dust, or has run away."
"I don't run away," Spike objected.
Buffy stomped out to the living room to argue with Spike in person. Giles followed her out.
"Of course you do," Buffy said. "When Angel got his soul back you ran from Sunnydale with Dru. When she cheated on you, you ran from her. After you lost the Gem of Amara you ran off to lick your wounds."
"First," Spike argued. "I didn't run from here after Angelus got that soul forced back down his throat. I took Dru away to start over fresh, I did. Second, I didn't run from Dru. I just needed some space is all. That's not running, that's saving my sanity."
"What little there is left," Buffy muttered.
"Three," Spike ground out, "I did not run off to lick my wounds. I went after the sodding Gem that you stole from me. Was just trying to get back what was mine. I found it; it belonged to me. You had no right to give it to Angelus."
"His name is Angel," Buffy ground out.
"Angel, Angelus, same ugly bloke, no matter what you call him," Spike said.
"Children, enough!" Giles practically shouted. "Enough already. Buffy is right." She beamed at him. "The only place that Spike can be kept out of trouble is in the bath."
"And how are you planning on tying me up in there?" Spike snarkily asked. "You know I can break through these ropes, given enough time."
"I am not without magically enhanced chains," Giles haughtily informed him.
Spike closed him mouth, looking slightly nervous for the first time.
"What about your privacy and all that rot?" Spike asked. "Neither of us wants me chained in the loo while you're doing what humans do in there."
"Consider it motivation," Giles said. "The sooner you tell us what you know about these soldiers, the sooner that you will be let go."
"What about blood?" Spike asked. "Can't expect me to starve any more than I already have."
"I can stop by the butcher Angel used," Buffy offered. "I've picked up blood for Angel before."
"I am not drinking pig's blood," Spike insisted, disgust clear in his voice and on his face.
"You'll drink whatever we feel like giving you," Buffy said. "That or nothing, and from how skinny you're getting, I'd think you'd take what you could get."
Seeing another argument brewing, Giles drew Buffy back to the kitchen. "Let's see if there's anything in the kitchen to tide Spike over," he said.
"Yes, run along like a good little girl," Spike snarked.
"Giles," Buffy protested, allowing herself to be pulled away. "You know that we don't have any blood here."
"I do know that, Buffy. However, it has been a very long day and I can't take any more arguing between the two of you."
"You could have just said that," Buffy huffed.
"How late is the butcher shop open?" Giles asked, instead of responding.
Buffy shrugged. "The shop closes around nine, but there's usually someone in back until midnight."
Giles glanced at the clock, noting that it was a quarter past ten. "Right, then." He pulled out his wallet and handed Buffy some money. "If you're quick about it, you can make it there in time."
"You want me to go now?" Buffy asked.
"The sooner we get him fed, the sooner we can get rid of him," Giles pointed out.
"Fine, fine, I'm going," Buffy pouted.
"You don't cause any trouble while I'm gone," she said to Spike as she passed through to the front door.
"Wouldn't dream of it," Spike said, innocently. Buffy glared at him for a long moment before leaving.
"Ta for sending her out," Spike said to Giles as he returned to the room.
"It wasn't to please you, I assure you," Giles curtly informed the vampire.
"Never thought so for a minute," Spike agreed. "So, what do we do until she gets back?"
"You will remain where you are. I am going to finish cleaning up this mess," Giles answered.
"Can't be much fun for you," Spike observed, noticing Giles stiffen, knowing he'd hit a nerve.
"Don't know what you're talking about," Giles said, trying to pull an arrow from where it was lodged in his weapons chest.
"'Course you don't," Spike said knowingly. "You know nothing about these children bursting into your home, causing all sorts of problems, and leaving you to clean up the mess."
"I imagine that it is what any parent would have to deal with."
"Only they're not your kids," Spike pointed out. "That's what really gets you, isn't it? They treat you like a parental figure, but not like a parent, yet you care for them all like they were your own."
"That's enough," Giles bit out.
"The only way someone could stand to have that boy around would be if he saw him as a son," Spike continued. "Didn't I hear that you got sacked from the Council for acting too much like a father to the Slayer? And she gives you as much disregard as she does her own parents."
"I said that's enough," Giles bellowed.
Spike made a show of zipping his lips and looked smug as he turned back to the television to watch Charlie Brown attempt to make a Thanksgiving dinner for his friends.
Giles silently fumed as he went about cleaning up the apartment from the attack as well as the dinner. He didn't try to muffle the noise when he brought his set of chains out of the closet and carried them into the bathroom to work out the best way to chain up Spike. In the end, he decided to put Spike in the leg irons and handcuffs and attach them by short lengths of chain to the plumbing.
He made sure to remove anything from the bathroom that he might need that night and moved them into the kitchen. He also brought out the bottle of sleeping pills he had left over from when Angelus had tortured him.
When Buffy returned, Giles stored the majority of the blood, heating up one mug's worth while she went to watch cartoons with Spike. He carefully crushed some of the sleeping tablets and mixed them in with the blood.
"It's about bloody time," Spike grumbled when Giles finally brought out the heated mug of blood.
"I live to serve you," Giles dryly remarked.
Spike was too busy drinking down the drugged blood to answer. He was ravenous after not having eaten for days. If he noticed that the blood tasted a bit off, he attributed it to the fact that it was animal blood from a container.
Spike fell asleep before Giles was finished washing and drying the mug.
"Giles," Buffy called from the living room, not knowing that Giles had drugged the vampire. "Spike just fainted, I think."
"No," Giles said, returning to the room. "He's asleep."
"How do you know?" Buffy thought back over the last few minutes and realized, "Oh, you drugged his blood. Sneaky."
"It seemed like the easiest way to chain him up," Giles simply stated.
"Now we just have to get him in there," Buffy pointed out.
"Yes, do you think you can help?" Giles asked.
"Super strength, remember," Buffy said.
"I could hardly forget," Giles stated.
Giles cut the ropes that bound Spike to the chair after making sure that the vampire was out cold. Buffy lifted Spike under his arms and Giles took up his feet, and together they maneuvered him into the bathroom and into the tub. Giles removed Spike's red shirt and Buffy helped him to secure the cuffs around Spike's wrists and ankles.
"Thank you, Buffy," Giles said when they'd finished. "I believe that'll be all for tonight."
"Sure thing," Buffy brightly responded. She gathered up her things to leave. "And Giles, thanks for everything today. I know Thanksgiving isn't something you celebrated back home and it meant a lot to me that you went through all this, for me."
"It was my pleasure," Giles sincerely told her.
Giles prepared for bed, exhausted by the day's activities. He barely stirred when Spike woke up and howled his rage at being chained up.
In fact, Giles smiled in his sleep.