Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met.
11 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
17 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
18 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
20 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
21 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
22 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
23 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
24 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
25 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
26 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
27 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
28 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
And an all time favorite-
29 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?